establishing shot of council house in a run down neighborhood
Danielle is walking down the hallway of to find her father in the kitchen semi-drunk, clutching a wine bottle.
Danielle: You scum!
Danielle's father turns slowly to look at her, a glazed look in his eyes and a large exhale of breath as he places the wine bottle on the sideboard
Father: WHAT!?
Danielle: You 'fink you can just swan about like you own the place!?
Her father pauses and laughs to himself
Father: The f*** did you say!? I do own the place you SKET!!!...and you....and your mum.
At this point Danielle lunges at her father and attempts to punch him in the jaw. But as she does her father slaps her in the face, propelling her away from him and down to the floor beneath him.
Her father leans down and slaps her again, and spits at her.
Father: You are the same...you...your mum....pathetic, WORTHLESS, SLUTS!
A wave of anger and hatred waves across Danielle's face, she then kicks her fathers shins, knocking him to the ground. She then asserts herself over him, and repeatedly punches him in the face until he is rendered unconscious.
Danielle then gets up, stares intently at her fathers unconscious body, spits on him, then proceeds to leave the house.
An interesting foundation for your scene however there needs to be something that precipitates this. What are they arguing over? How come this just explodes with no cause - money, lack of love, abuse, defending her mum? There needs to be more investment in her reaction to having beaten her dad - you need to draw out the character's response to the power she has just recognised in herself - is she frightened of what she has done? Is she suddenly confident - does she like it? How does that position us with her character? The scene needs a conclusion - does she call for an ambulance - or even police? What about the neighbours?
ReplyDeleteCurrently this stands underdeveloped - you need to 'grow' her strength - where has she come from to put her in this kind of place - clearly the Dad has always been abusive why does she only confront him now - what has just happened to her to give her this fight? Is she coming in from an emotional experience that has given her strength? What could that be?
To improve: think through your conclusion as look at how you can apply this to her psychological motivation & cause/effect (CHN) to become masculinised
D